Ooops I did it again! (in Brittney Spears’ singing voice) ill just cut to the chase… I, like many of you, had Memorialitis last week! I just didn’t feel like working, at all. I know you're all asking yourself; "what kind of job does this chick have where she just writes whenever she wants?". Or you’re wondering if I’m sleeping with the boss? Well.... let me answer those wonderful questions for you.
I have the best job! I write a weekly (well bi weekly lately) blog about nothing in particular. I smoke tons of weed, yes as part of my job, obviously. I work with some pretty funny guys, who also smoke tons of weed… for work… obviously. Also my office is the ocean!
As for the second question. Am I sleeping with the boss? I’ve put some thought and research into this because if I could sleep with the boss then maybe I could do even less work then I do now. Unfortunately, though, Boss Man is a Great White Shark!
Do you know how they FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
During my research I actually found an article titled “7 Scientific Reasons You Should Never Have Sex With A Shark”. WHAT!?!?! That shit is terrifying!!!!!!!! First off I’m not that good of a swimmer, so I would probably drown before we even got busy. Secondly, they bite the female shark to hold them in place. UMMM that’s way too S&M for me. A little love bite is one thing, but, a great white shark love bite would cut me in half. Effectively rendering me fired… from life! With both of those death sentences I haven’t even hit on the worst part. Did you know sharks have two dicks? Two. TWO! They are apparently not dicks they’re “claspers”. Let’s be honest that’s two dicks. And once it is inserted it has little hook things (think multiple fish hooks) to keep it inside until they are done! What the FUCK!!!! On a happier note they do not use both “claspers” at the same time. They only use the one that is on the side that they dock next to the female on. HOLY SHIT!!
So, just in case you didn’t figure it out on your own, NO, NO! I am not sleeping with the boss. I like my life! As a result, unfortunately for you all, I’m going to have to write a blog weekly. Maybe I’ll write some more fun shark sex facts! Like female sharks have thicker skin to withstand the male’s bite, or that female sharks wade In shallow water during mating season so the male sharks can’t dock up next to them, viciously bite them, and then shove one of their freaky dick things inside them! This last fact makes me wonder are shark attacks really just horny male sharks looking to rape humans. Just pulling up next to you, all hot and bothered, giving you a sexy little shark nibble to see if you’re interested! Then, when your not, they swim off all embarrassed! Meanwhile, here you are bleeding to death. All because you were swimming all sexily turning on the sharks! Yikes! This is why I will stay on shore like a beached whale. But not a blue whale…. 12 inches… in diameter… ten mutha fucking feet! Smoke on that!
Now I need to go take too many bong rips to clear my head.
Keep swimming, keep smoking, and keep smiling!