SEX WITH GREAT WHITE SHARK MAY CAUSE INJURY!!

Hey Sharks,

Ooops I did it again! (in Brittney Spears’ singing voice) ill just cut to the chase… I, like many of you, had Memorialitis last week! I just didn’t feel like working, at all. I know you're all asking yourself; "what kind of job does this chick have where she just writes whenever she wants?". Or you’re wondering if I’m sleeping with the boss? Well.... let me answer those wonderful questions for you.

I have the best job! I write a weekly (well bi weekly lately) blog about nothing in particular. I smoke tons of weed, yes as part of my job, obviously. I work with some pretty funny guys, who also smoke tons of weed… for work… obviously. Also my office is the ocean!

As for the second question. Am I sleeping with the boss? I’ve put some thought and research into this because if I could sleep with the boss then maybe I could do even less work then I do now. Unfortunately, though,  Boss Man is a Great White Shark!

Great White Shark

Do you know how they FUCK!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

During my research I actually found an article titled “7 Scientific Reasons You Should Never Have Sex With A Shark”. WHAT!?!?!  That shit is terrifying!!!!!!!! First off I’m not that good of a swimmer, so I would probably drown before we even got busy. Secondly, they bite the female shark to hold them in place. UMMM that’s way too S&M for me. A little love bite is one thing, but, a great white shark love bite would cut me in half. Effectively rendering me fired… from life! With both of those death sentences I haven’t even hit on the worst part. Did you know sharks have two dicks? Two.  TWO! They are apparently not dicks they’re “claspers”. Let’s be honest that’s two dicks.  And once it is inserted it has little hook things (think multiple fish hooks) to keep it inside until they are done! What the FUCK!!!! On a happier note they do not use both “claspers” at the same time. They only use the one that is on the side that they dock next to the female on.  HOLY SHIT!!

So, just in case you didn’t figure it out on your own, NO, NO! I am not sleeping with the boss. I like my life! As a result, unfortunately for you all, I’m going to have to write a blog weekly. Maybe I’ll write some more fun shark sex facts! Like female sharks have thicker skin to withstand the male’s bite, or that female sharks wade In shallow water during mating season so the male sharks can’t dock up next to them, viciously bite them, and then shove one of their freaky dick things inside them! This last fact makes me wonder are shark attacks really just horny male sharks looking to rape humans. Just pulling up next to you, all hot and bothered, giving you a sexy little shark nibble to see if you’re interested! Then, when your not, they swim off all embarrassed! Meanwhile, here you are bleeding to death. All because you were swimming all sexily turning on the sharks! Yikes! This is why I will stay on shore like a beached whale. But not a blue whale…. 12 inches… in diameter… ten mutha fucking feet! Smoke on that!

HE KNOWS WHATS UP

Now I need to go take too many bong rips to clear my head.

Keep swimming, keep smoking, and keep smiling!

Emjae

LAZY POTHEAD SKIPS WEEK WRITING BLOG

Hey Sharks!

So last week I totally slacked on writing this blog, I know you noticed.

 I could tell you it was for a good reason, like I was busy fighting for cannabis legalization… but it’s already legal! Well, at least here it is. I could tell you there was an emergency with my grow and it needed my immediate attention… but if you follow me on Instagram @Emjae_420, you would know my shit is running smoothly and looking amazing! Or I could tell you that I was I'll from food poisoning or the flu or some major illness… but I don’t lie about being sick... NEVER!  As soon as I do I get whatever god awful sickness I lie about. So I will not lie about that… aint nobody got time for that. So I will stick to the truth because I’m too high to lie. (said really really cool)

I was simply out of town… no that’s a lie. I was just having a lazy day. Well actual night.  I write my blogs at night after the kids go to bed. Because that is the only time I can hear the voices in my head. Last week those voices must have been on vacation because all I could manage to do was take bong rips and watch garbage TV. It was even a struggle to get off my couch to go pee. I mean I didn’t pee my couch via threw my pants or anything. I just waited until the very last moment because whatever garbage I was watching was so enthralling I was willing to cause myself physical pain by neglecting my bursting bladder to continue studying how rich women interact with each other.  I was either watching the real house wives or southern charm. Way worse for me then all those bong rips; dead brain cells, strains your eyes, and it’s so damn addicting! The only thing the weed did was put me at those women’s mental  level… fucked up!    

I started this writing tonight with plans to write about working out high. Like how it’s great to because you get focused and it gives you the ability to push through and finish your work out like a super human. Or, you could be like me and get high on the way to the gym realize you left your water in the car but you’re already inside so you’re not going to turn around.

Then once you hit the treadmill,

you immediately realize you are far too high to be in public so after a short convo with yourself you decide you’re going to finish your stroll. You don’t want to walk in and immediately walk out. That would draw to much attention to your high ass. Now, seeing that you’re high AF you’re aware that everyone knows your high and everyone is watching you. So you continue walking and then you realize I am so fucking thirsty… I need water immediately. I am going to die if I do not have water now. I have been walking for 20 minutes easily uphill without any water. So you look down at the timer and what do you see 5:15 FIVE MINUTES AND FIFTEEN SECONDS and your walking flat! really is this a fucking sick joke. That’s it.  I did myself a due service and just left. I don’t even know if I shut the machine off. I’m almost positive that I did because I think I was too high to get off without falling if it was still moving.  

But, hey I don’t remember doing it so I’m sticking with I was so high I just jumped off smooth as fuck and bolted toward the door yelling I’m not high! You are!

"IM NOT HIGH YOU ARE"

I feel like I should write so much more but I forgot what my point was. So maybe I'll pick up on this next week, but I'll probably talk about something completely different.

Keep swimming, keep smoking, keep smiling!

Xoxox Emjae

Potato Salad Almost Ruins Family

Hey Sharks!

Welcome back to Emjae’s Blog! Oh boy do I have a funny story to share with you this week. So, my sister threw my nephew a birthday party, just a BBQ style family party, nothing crazy. She asked me to makes mom’s potato salad (because I make it better than she does). I (the stoner) obviously wait till 9:00PM the night before to start it, since there’s no time like the very last minute!  All was going well… (hits bong)

I opened the pepper and poured it in as usual, without looking. Honestly, who has time to look before pouring! What a huge mistake! I poured it out of the spooning side not the sprinkling side. Seeing how I waited until the last minute I did not have time to do it over (well I didn’t want to do it over). How does one rectify such a fuck up you ask?!? Well, first of all, I took a bong rip of some Purple Trainwreck. Then,  I chose to put the top half of my Potato salad in a strainer and try rinsing the pepper off.  Did it work? I’ll let you know when I get there...  So I took my half rinsed pot salad out of the sink while dripping fluids out of my nose and eyes (the red eyes may not be from the pepper), mixed in my mayo, and prayed no one would notice the massive amount of pepper that DID NOT rinse out.  Back to your question, did it work? Hell to the NO.

Perfectly peppered potato anyone?

The next morning I covered my mess up with real bacon bits because bacon fixes everything.  I also decided I would not tell anyone about my mess in hopes that no one noticed. Surprise they noticed!!! Not only did they all have something to say about my over peppering but apparently I under cooked the potatoes as well. Wow! Way to be grateful for me taking time out of my busy life to make potato salad for a party I’m a GUEST at. Anyone that knows me knows I can’t even make it anywhere on time due to my bunch of wild things. Never mind expect me to make EDIBLE food! I say it’s their fault for expecting too much from me.

To make matters worse my family is convinced that I fucked it up on purpose. Apparently they think I think if I make bad potato salad no one will ever ask me to make anything again. Let me let you all know that is not what happened but, I do hope it works out this way! I think that’s a genius move, that I am just not sharp enough to come up with… or am I? Nope I’m not… but maybe I am?  I’ll let you be the judge

Till next week, Keep Swimming, Keep smoking, keep smiling

xoxo Emjae

Ever wonder who keeps the waves flowing over here?

Hey Sharks! I thought it was about time I introduce myself. My name is Emjae as in MJ as in Mary Jane. My parents were Pot Head Hippies who thought it would be funny and not as obvious as calling me Mary Jane. Most people just call me Emma. I am more of a behind the scenes type a gal here at Talking Seaweed. I do a lot of answering emails and mainly just keeping the guys in line and on track especially on business outings. I’m sure you’ve heard their podcast, they're easily distracted by blunts and snacks.

Actual picture from tonight.

Enough about the guys let’s get back to me. From this point on I will be writing a weekly blog on only god knows what, because I have no clue! I may write about my home life, which includes a wild and crazy household. I have a small litter of children, a flock of creatures that look like mini Velociraptors, a few cats (not quite a cat lady…yet), and I would love to add some goats to the mix, but I haven’t figured out how to get my husband to get on board with it yet. As you can imagine that in itself makes for great content. Some weeks ill write about all the exciting adventures we have going on here at Talking Seaweed. I'll make sure I share all of the exciting news and the fun times we have here at TS. I also have a personal grow I will write about from time to time. Maybe even throw in a strain review or two.  If my life is just flat out boring ill give my takes on the latest TS podcasts and maybe even crack a few jokes at Bobby and Jon's expense.

To conclude, I would like to congratulate TS on the launch of the W.E.Ed. Project! I would also like everyone to know that I came up with this concept all on my own! So congrats to me!!!! By "I came up with it all on my own", I mean I came up with the name. Which is the same thing? Well, actually,  I came up with the concept for an acronym. And that’s the truth! But, I didn’t even know what an acronym was. I just said we should have letters that make a word that means something! So the whole thing… my idea!

Till next week, Keep Swimming, Keep smoking, keep smiling

 xoxo Emjae